Joseph Emerson, a former Alaska Airlines pilot, describes it as the most significant error of his life.

Last October, Emerson was in the cockpit of an Alaska Airlines plane at 30,000 feet when he pulled two levers that could have shut down both engines. He describes the incident as the worst 30 seconds of his life.

Ten months later, he expresses gratitude for those moments: They have salvaged his marriage, afforded him more time with his children, and thrust him into a life of therapy, healing, and the establishment of a new non-profit organization dedicated to assisting other pilots grappling with mental health challenges.

Now Emerson and his wife, Sarah, are describing that incident, and the anxious, challenging months that followed, in an interview with
.

“I made a big mistake.”

Emerson sent his wife Sarah a text message on October 22, 2023, moments after he was removed from the cockpit and just before he requested a flight attendant to restrain him.

"I made a big mistake," the message read.

Sarah Emerson replied: "What's up? Are you ok?"

“I'm not," Joe Emerson replied.

That was the last time Sarah Emerson heard from her husband for days. She promptly tracked his flight and learned it had been rerouted and had made an emergency landing in Portland.

Sarah remained largely uninformed for 24 hours. It wasn't until a jail receptionist told her that she learned her husband had been charged with 83 counts of attempted murder - one count for each passenger on the aircraft.

“I walk up to the window and say I'm looking for my husband and he kind of just looked on the computer and typed some things in and then nonchalantly tells me the charges, and I lost it," Sarah Emerson told
. "I screamed and I keeled over, and I almost fell. They grabbed me and pulled me over because I know what that means. I was in a complete shock."

What happened

Joe Emerson had been grappling with the loss of his closest friend, Scott, a pilot who had died while on a run six years prior. Emerson had been away for the weekend with friends, celebrating and honoring Scott's memory.

On Friday night, the group consumed psychedelic mushrooms – a drug known to induce hallucinations and typically have effects lasting a few hours. Emerson revealed that for him, the physical side effects lingered for days, and the repercussions would stay with him forever.

Something wasn’t right

As a friend drove him to the airport, Emerson confessed that all he could think about was being back with his family, but a mounting dread of not making it home began to consume him. This fear intensified as he settled into the cramped cockpit of the Alaska Airlines plane.

“There was a feeling of being trapped, like, 'Am I trapped in this airplane and now I'll never go home?'" Emerson told
, in an interview near his home in California.

Emerson said the feeling intensified – and with it, a conviction that " this isn't real, I'm not actually going home … until I was completely convinced that none of this was real,” Emerson said.

As the Alaska Airlines flight approached San Francisco, Emerson said his condition worsened. He reached out to a friend who texted Emerson to try breathing exercises. Instead of helping, Emerson said, the moment the text appeared on his phone in his ear was the final straw.

“That's when I ripped off my headset, completely convinced this wasn't real and I wouldn't be going home," Emerson recalled. "And then, when the pilots didn't react to my completely out-of-the-ordinary behavior in a way that I expected in reality, I realized this wasn't real. I needed to wake up.”

The next 30 seconds would endanger 83 other lives, end Joe’s career, and potentially land him in prison for the rest of his life.

“It's 30 seconds of my life that I wish I could change, and I can’t.”

“I saw two red handles directly in front of me," Emerson remembered. "Thinking I was going to wake up, believing this was my way out of this surreal experience, I reached out and grasped them, pulling the levers.”

Those levers were the engine shut-off controls.

"My thought was, 'This will jolt me awake,'" Emerson said. "I know how those controls work in a real plane, and I needed to snap out of this. It's 30 seconds of my life I wish I could rewind, but I can't.”

How did the pilots respond?

Emerson said as soon as he reached for the engine shut-off levers, the pilots pulled his hands away. He remembers the pilots' immediate confusion, trying to understand what just happened. Emerson also recalled what made him quickly realize his situation was very much real.

“It was really the pilot's physical touch on my hand," Emerson said. "Both pilots grabbed my hands where I kind of stopped and I had that moment, which I'll just say I view this moment as a blessing."

Emerson described two blessings. The second was that the aircraft's engines didn't shut down but continued running as usual.

"I observed the pilots responding to the challenging situation I presented them with, and they handled it with great professionalism," Emerson said about the pilots. "I could hear them talking about me, and I asked, 'Do you want me to leave the cockpit?'"

The pilots unlatched the cabin door for him, and he "opened the door to a very surprised flight attendant,” Emerson recalled

Emerson said he went into the cabin, poured himself a cup of coffee directly from the pot, and sat in the flight attendants' jump seat. None of the passengers had any idea that the man in the pilot's uniform had just tried to shut down their plane's engines.

Emerson's episode wasn’t over

Emerson said this feeling of unreality lingered, and he again felt the need to regain consciousness.

"At some point, I thought this might not be real, and maybe I could wake myself up by just jumping out, like that sensation of freefall you get," he said.

So Emerson reached for a different lever – this one controlling the cabin door.

"I placed my hand on the lever, but didn't pull it," he remembered, explaining that a flight attendant stopped him at that point.

"She placed … her hand on mine again, and with that human touch, I released. I believe it was around that moment when I uttered, "I don't comprehend what's authentic, I don't I don't comprehend what's authentic."

At that juncture, Emerson stated he requested the flight attendant to restrain him with handcuffs, and she promptly complied.

“I essentially requested to be restrained myself, knowing that if the accusations were true, I had already done enough damage," Emerson said. "I thought, 'Let's restrain me until I can get the help I need.' That's what I truly hoped for upon disembarking the aircraft, to receive the support I needed."

Emerson was apprehended upon the plane's arrival in Portland. Sarah Emerson remained unaware of the details of the incident until the following day. She worried that her husband had suffered a medical emergency and was hospitalized. She tracked his phone and noticed it had been located at the airport.

“I could observe that his phone was located at the airport. We were aware the flight was rerouted, so I found myself pondering, 'Okay, is he injured? Is he unwell? What transpired?'" Sarah Emerson stated.

It wasn't until several hours later that Sarah Emerson received word from her husband's union representative that he was being held in custody.

"I questioned, 'What does that signify?' It's simply not the reality I inhabit, you know. I didn't even grasp the meaning,” Sarah Emerson recalled.

Jail, and a way forward

Emerson spent the following 45 days in jail before being granted bail. It wasn't until Tuesday evening, four days after taking the mushrooms, that Emerson said he fully regained his clarity.

His jail physician later explained that he was suffering from a condition called hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD), which can cause someone who uses psychedelic mushrooms for the first time to experience persistent visual hallucinations or perception issues for several days afterward.

Emerson now also believes he is an alcoholic, though he asserts that alcohol didn't contribute to the October incident.

“The substance I used was primarily alcohol, which is a depressant, to cope with depression," Emerson said, adding that he's now receiving treatment and prioritizing his mental health. He also said he takes full responsibility for his actions, actions that he believes have ultimately improved his life.

Joe and Sarah Emerson are now dedicating much of their time to building their new nonprofit: Clear Skies Ahead. Their mission is to raise funds and awareness about pilot mental health and to highlight the importance of seeking help without hesitation.

Since pilots who don't meet strict medical requirements can have their flying license revoked, Emerson said it's not uncommon for pilots to avoid acknowledging or seeking help for mental health issues.

“Currently, if you speak up about a problem, there's a perception that you might not be able to fly again,” Emerson said.

Since Emerson's incident, pilot mental health is getting more attention.

"Who would you rather have flying you: a pilot experiencing depression, or a pilot who is on medication for depression?" said Dr. Brent Blue, a Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) senior aviation medical examiner, at a National Transportation Safety Board mental health summit in December.

"Ultimately, we need to work together to update the system and help the FAA modernize its pilot mental health evaluation program,” Blue added.

In May, the FAA expanded the list of drugs approved for pilots, including several antidepressants. The agency is also hiring more mental health professionals.

“The FAA encourages pilots to seek help if they have a mental-health condition since most, if treated, do not disqualify someone from flying," the FAA said in a statement to
, in part. "In fact, only about 0.1% of medical certificate applicants who disclose health issues are denied. Treating these conditions early is important, and that is why the FAA has approved more antidepressants for use by pilots and air traffic controllers.”

Joe Emerson’s future

Emerson remains in a legal predicament. While no longer facing attempted murder charges, he still faces over 80 state and federal charges, including 83 counts of reckless endangerment following the reduction of charges in December. Prosecutors may offer a plea bargain or opt for a trial later this fall.

“At the end of the day, I accept responsibility for the choices that I made. They're my choices," Emerson told
. "What I hope through the judicial processes is that the entirety of not just 30 seconds of the event, but the entirety of my experience is accounted for as society judges me on what happened. And I will accept what the debt that society says I owe."

What would he tell the passengers and crew?

What would Emerson convey to the 83 passengers and crew members aboard that Alaska Airlines flight?

"First and foremost, thank you," Emerson expressed. "I am grateful that they recognized someone in distress at the back of that aircraft and that they heeded the flight crew's instructions, maintaining composure until we landed."

Emerson acknowledged that his deepest gratitude is reserved for the crew.

"What occurred was something we don't practice for, and they handled it exceptionally. Their professionalism and the way they managed the situation are the sole reasons I'm alive today," Emerson expressed.

Regarding his future in flight, Emerson stated that it's uncertain and beyond his control.

“Naturally, I hope to fly again. It would be dishonest to say otherwise," he remarked. "I'm unsure in what role I'll return, and if the opportunity will even arise. It's not my responsibility to orchestrate that. What I can do is focus on what's in front of me, position myself for that possibility, and make it a reality."

"Ultimately," Emerson admitted, "if flying isn't meant to be in my future, then it won't happen.”

' John Capell and Miles Cohen contributed to this report.