“ Rust ” director Joel Souza has given his first interview about the shooting that occurred on set in October 2021, where a prop gun held by star Alec Baldwin fired a live round that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and seriously injured Souza. Speaking to Vanity Fair , Souza opened up about the experience of being shot, deciding to finish the film and why he and Baldwin now have “no relationship.”

“It’s bizarre to have been shot,” Souza said. “And then, who was holding the gun? That’s bizarre. I had this weird thought, like, ‘God, I remember watching ”The Hunt for Red October’ in the movie theater when I was a kid. It’s like your older self whispers to your younger self, ‘Hey, that guy…someday…’”

Souza was standing behind Hutchins directing a scene when the gun discharged, hitting Hutchins in the chest and striking Souza in the shoulder. He told Vanity Fair that the gun shot “felt like a horse kicked me in the shoulder or someone hit me with a bat.”

“The right half of my body went numb, completely numb, but it also hurt intensely at the same time, if that makes sense,” he said. “It’s just like everything went tingly and numb but hurt terribly all at once. And I stumbled back and was either on my knees or on my behind — and just…yelling. I don’t even know what the heck I was yelling.”

Souza said the bullet “missed my lung by this much. It stopped that close to my spine, fortunately. It was protruding out into the skin, so it created a big lump.”

When interviewer Anthony Breznican commented that Souza must have been relieved to be alive, the director replied: “No, I wasn’t.”

“I distinctly remember going to sleep that night hoping I wouldn’t wake up the next morning,” he continued. “I wished I would simply bleed out during the night because I didn’t want to live anymore. It was a deeply painful experience. I recall thinking, Maybe I’ll just bleed to death — that would be fine with me.”

The shooting incident resulted in a series of legal cases that concluded just last month. First assistant director Dave Halls pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of negligent use of a deadly weapon, armorer Hannah Gutierrez-Reed was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter and will serve 18 months in prison, and Baldwin’s involuntary manslaughter case was dropped on July 12 when the judge ruled that authorities had suppressed evidence. Does Souza believe justice was served?

“I honestly don’t know, and I’m not sure what justice even means anymore,” Souza admitted. “No one finds satisfaction in seeing someone go to jail. If you do, you need to take a hard look at yourself.”

Regarding his stance on Baldwin being charged with involuntary manslaughter, Souza acknowledged that there are valid arguments on both sides but ultimately declined to offer an opinion.

“Does it matter if I think it’s fair or not? There is an argument that says, if he checks it and starts meddling with it, he’s creating a safety issue. And then there is another thing that says, it’s common sense, for God’s sake. Be careful with this damn thing,” he told Vanity Fair . “So I don’t know anymore, to be honest with you. The charges got filed. That’s what they decided to do. Was he overcharged? I don’t know.”

Despite the tragic events, Souza decided to return to the film set to complete the project. Initially, he considered giving up filmmaking entirely, stating, “There was a long time where I thought I was finished with this industry.” However, the desire to honor Hutchins' legacy ultimately changed his mind.

“I knew completing the movie would provide financial support to Halyna's family, which was very important to me,” he explained. “And I understand this might sound simplistic to those outside the creative world, but her final work matters. People seeing her last project is important. That was the deciding factor for me.”

A new cinematographer from Hutchins’ circle, Biana Cline, took over and the scene that was being filmed when the fatal shooting occurred was entirely removed from the film.

“Everything needed to be completely redesigned,” Souza stated. “There were a few scenes that were filmed earlier that no longer made sense in the narrative. We simply removed those scenes and developed something entirely new … I don't want anyone who watches the film to be waiting for those removed scenes. No one pushed to keep any of that content.”

When asked about his relationship with Baldwin during the second shoot, Souza said: “Getting through it was difficult. We did it. I got the performance I wanted. We're not friends. We're not enemies. There's no relationship.”

Representatives for Baldwin did not immediately respond to Variety 's request for comment.

“Rust” has been finalized since March, Souza said, adding that it hasn't been presented to distributors yet, despite some reports. When the film eventually releases, Souza hopes viewers will primarily remember Hutchins' talent rather than the tragedy that took her life.

“As a director of photography, Halyna deserved to be working on larger productions, not a low-budget film like ours,” Souza stated. “She should have been making big-budget studio movies, not films with a budget of only $7.5 million. Everyone who worked with her knew how talented she was and what she was capable of.”

Visit Vanity Fair's website to read the complete interview with Souza.